Not too terribly long ago, someone informed me that I was "very self-deceptive" (spelled incorrectly by the person informing me of this, of course). I had been talking to this dude for a few days and he was already telling me he hoped we turned out married, he was going to move from Michigan to NC, it brightened his day to know I was going to let him be a part of my life, etc. He also had previously informed me that he was going to be 30 soon, lived in his uncles basement, was training for mma fighting and is going bald which is why he shaves his head. Oh, and lest I forget the child support payments he informed me of. Anyway, I knew I was dead wrong talkin' to this dude, and in all reality I didn't care a whole hell of a lot for him so I sabotaged the shit out of the whole thing and he ended out randomly blocking me on facebook like a bitch, and when I asked him about it he told me I was "self-deceptive" and said goodbye. The self-deception is in reference to my method of sabotage. I told him I didn't wanna fuck with him anymore b/c I knew he was talking to other bitches and other stuff of that nature and he got upset b/c he thought we were "meant to be together" after 2 days, and he didn't know how to prove he was "real". I truly don't know if he threw these lines at any bitch that would listen or if he was just crazy and really believed that I was the one for him, but at the end of the day, we only got along via text message (although he couldn't spell...that shit irked me). Talking on the phone was bad. I don't know if he intended to be belittling, but he was. He somehow found himself under the impression that he was a REALLY awesome guy to be with. And for some reason, he kinda gave me the creeps...I didn't feel 100% safe about this guy. I felt like he would be the one to beat the shit out of a bitch who runs her mouth too much when she gets mad (aka: me). The whole situation was just....not a good look. Anyway, by now you're wondering where I'm going with all this....despite the fact that, in hindsight, this dude is an arrogant choochbox and is probably more off-kilter than I realize....I got upset after we stopped talking. Like....REALLY down. Which reminded me of other times something like this happened and how ungodly depressed I became.
Attention is my drug. It's a legit addiction. I know that sounds crazy as fuck but it's real. I'll reiterate: this dude was a choooooochbox. But he knew what to say, and he knew enough to blow my phone all the way up. One time I got off work and had 8 lengthy texts from him. He always texted me first (mainly b/c I refused to text him first). And whether or not it's lies, it is still amazing to hear some random dude tell you he hopes y'all end out married. It's like shooting heroin. You get high. You feel alive. And when it goes away...you detox. And it is painful. You KNOW you're fuckin up messin' with these dudes, and you try to stop. And as soon as you wake up without a text message or sit through your lunch break staring at your chicken mac & cheese instead of being told you're beautiful, you are tempted to apologize for whatever you did to make things go "back to normal". And sometimes they won't forgive you. Or other times you don't even try to stop on your own...your shit just gets so out of control and you want so much from this person (who more often than not has been talking to you for less than a week and most assuredly does NOT love you) that you scare them away, and you've fucked yourself out of a fix.
Now some addicts only want a certain drug....others will do whatever they can get their grubby little hands on. I am the former....which, on one hand is a good thing, on the other hand is a bad thing. It's good b/c being picky about the dudes I speak to keeps me out of trouble. If I didn't give a fuck, I'd have a dude AND someone on the side at all times. The reason it's a bad thing is b/c when I'm "detoxing", I just have to ride it out. Anyway, these dudes must meet some requirements. I must be slightly physically attracted to them. For the most part, the dude I've been speaking of didn't really hold my attention. Bald, skinny, kinda goofy, shitty tattoos. Then he posted a picture of himself with a hat and glasses on and it was a wrap (it's amazing what glasses can do....geek factor, yes please). I must also be able to hold conversation with them. If I can't relate or find some kind of common ground, it's a no go. If they can't hold my attention, why do I care if they love me?
The shitty part about this whole thing is that I HAD someone that loved me. Someone that my addiction had hurt multiple times. I don't know why I do this. I don't know why I crave the attention, love and acceptance of other men. I want to see if I can make other people love me. Maybe it makes me feel a sense of worth. Maybe it's b/c no one ever really gave too much of a fuck about me. I don't really know. Maybe it doesn't even seem like a legit addiction to you, oh dear reader. But to me, it's the high I find myself chasing, and the high that fucks me in the end.
